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Issue 001 2009
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WEIRD STUFF
Genevieve
  

SINGLE MOTHERS AND RELATIONSHIPS 

There was a time when single mothers were a rare sight in society. Some became single mothers because they were widowed, some became single mothers as a result of a bad marraige, Many today are single mothers because they have been abandoned by their partners.  For whatever reason any woman is a single mother, The fact still remains that these women have a life and dating and having relationships is part of these lives. 

I have spoken to many men in the past that claim that they would never want to date a single mother because according to them, her attention would be divided and apart from that, they were not interested in raising someone else's child or children.

Why is it that these days, there is a social stigma on women with children?  Why is it that these women find it very challenging to get a real date and find true love and happiness.  Some men say that they avoid dating a single mother because of the fact that instant paternal responsibilities is thrust their way right from the start of the relationship.  Kunle a single Accountant from London said that he would never date a single mother because not only would you be expected to keep the woman happy, The woman would also epect you to keep her child or chilren happy.  According to him why should he leave a simple, uncomplicated relationship with a woman with no children and be burdened with a woman with "hand luggage".

Many men also say that there is also the financial concern.  Since you would find yourself in an instant family situation, you will be expected to provide for your woman and her kids that are not yours. Then according to some, there is the issue of the constant interference   of the Ex in their relationship on the account that he is checking on his children.

Alfred a Lawyer who is married to a single mother said dating a single mother can be challenging but is is definitely not impossible.  I met Shade in 2006 through a friend.  Shade at the time had two amazing children and although it was difficult for me to adjust to the "dad" situation, I was ready to take it on and make the best of the situation as I was totally in love with their mum.  Three years on anow and we a such a happy family.  Only close relations and friends can know that the kids are not mine.  We have a child together now but all the children in the household are treated the same way and no one can ever tell if they were mine or not.

What men have to remeber when dating a single mother is that they are dating the woman and not her role as a single mother. Most women did not plan to be single mothers so why should they be judges by a role that she has been unfortgunate to play. Single mother's do have a need as well, single mothers also deserve to be happy and single mothers do have their moments when they are extrememly fed up of the situations around them. What these single mothers need is the support and underrstanding of their partners, especially at a time when all becomes too much for them to handle.  

DATING TIPS FOR SINGLE MOTHERS...  By Marion Winik

1. You make the rules. Many people seem to have an opinion about single mothers, and their advice when it comes to your private life is: Take up needlepoint. Forget them. A single mother can date, seriously or casually. A single mother can be seen out dancing on a Saturday night. A single mother can even have sex!

2. Nobody loves a parade. It's not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you to a movie. Wait until you're secure in the relationship before you let your kids perceive someone as "Mommy's boyfriend." Have a reliable sitter lined up, suggests Magdoff, so you don't end up bringing children along before you're ready.

3. Don't lean too hard too soon. Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away, adds Magdoff. Until you've actually decided that the time is right, don't ask him to pick up your daughter from ballet just because it's on his way over for dinner. "Hold back," Magdoff says. "Don't have him take on parenting roles until it feels stupid not to. When all three of you are saying, 'But ballet class is right by his office,' then it's time."

4. Nothing but the truth. While discretion is recommended, lying and sneaking are not. If you think extramarital sex is okay, when questions arise you should be able to explain to your children (in an age-appropriate manner) why and under what conditions. If you can't, then don't do it. Behave as you want your kids to when they reach early adulthood.

5. Have your priorities straight. Keep your hormones in check when making decisions. Maybe it's more important for you to be at the school basketball playoffs than away for the weekend with your beau. But on the other hand:

6. Don't be a martyr. Magdoff warns against using your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy—putting them between you and your social life. In other words, sometimes the weekend away is more important than the basketball game.

7. When you're out, be out. One way single mothers sabotage relationships and act out their guilty feelings, Magdoff adds, is by talking about their children constantly while on a date. "Five minutes max," she says.

8. Don't succumb to pressure. My long-term relationship was a lot more than dating and a lot less than marriage—and was sometimes a little difficult to explain to outsiders. But it was right for me and my kids at the time. I did what I thought best, and that's why I have no regrets.

9. Leave when it's time. One of the more trying moments in a single mother's life is splitting up with someone her kids care about. I know women who have stayed in iffy relationships "for the kids." This makes even less sense when you're not married. Change and loss are part of life, things everyone has to deal with. If a particular bond is really strong, perhaps there's a way for that adult and child to maintain a connection.

10. Expect resistance. Magdoff says, "Lots of times women are dating perfectly nice guys and their kids are horrible to them, especially if it's the first guy after the divorce or the first one you get serious about." One articulate ten-year-old Magdoff knows admitted to his mother: "It's not Bill who's the problem—I like him. It's you. I used to have you all to myself, and now I have to share you." Acknowledge and accept kids' feelings. Say, "I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I'm not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do." Don't let your kids control you—or try and force them to like the guy, either.

Would you date a single mother?  Are you a Sigle Mother and experiencing troubles in finding a true date.  Leave a Comment below.

 
 
 
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