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Issue 001 2009
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WEIRD STUFF
Genevieve
  

 JUST FOR LAFFS

 

 

 

AKPAN

 

AKPAN bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'


============ ========= ========= ======
AKPAN : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.


Friend: Really, what is he studying.


AKPAN: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

============ ========= ========= ========= ===
AKPAN: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.


DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.


AKPAN : Can I take it  tomorrow, tonight is final game.

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
AKPAN : If I die, will u remarry?


Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?


AKPAN : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
AKPAN : People consider me as a 'GOD'


Wife: How do you know??


AKPAN : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again..

============ ========= ========= ========= ====
AKPAN complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'


Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'


AKPAN : 'I was watching TV news...'

============ ========= ========= ========= ==
AKPAN comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'


============ ========= ========= ========= ======
How do you recognize AKPAN  in School?


He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Once  AKPAN was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.


============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
AKPAN  in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'


============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===
AKPAN : Why are all these people running?


Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup


AKPAN  - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
AKPAN : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'


============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====
AKPAN told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'


Servant: 'It's already raining.'


AKPAN: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

 

==================================

Brian Obrian‏

 

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

'Who the hell are you? 'Demanded Brian, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter'.

Brian was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch! . We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Brian was devastated but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This isn't so bad,' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?

'It's not so bad, 'replied Brian, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never,' replied Brian.

'Well, just relax and let it happen.' And so he did, and after a few un! comfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!! !

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

Brian! Wake up, you stupid drunk, you're shitting in the bed.'                         

 

 

==========================================================================

 

 

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

 

 

Click the Play Button

 

 

 

Something to help at work...

5 minutes management course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:


If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:


Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'


So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:


To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'


'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:


Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.


The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.


Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:


(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 ============================================================

 

MARRAIGE

 

 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'  And then the fight started...
          ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
                 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.  She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in  about 3 seconds.'
          I bought her a scale.  And then the fight started...* *  
                 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
                   When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace  expensive...    so, I took her to a gas station.
          And then the fight started...
          ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
          After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social  Security. The woman   behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license   to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.
          The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and  she processed my Social Security application.
          When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the  Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants.  You might have gotten disability, too.'
       And then the fight started...
          ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
        My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I   kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a   nearby table.  My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
          'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took   to   drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'  'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
  celebrating that long?'
       And then the fight started...
          ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
          I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.   "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
  He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"   "Nah, she can order for herself."
           And then the fight started...
         ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
       A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not  happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I  look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'  The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
                And then the fight started.....
          ------------ --------- --------- ------ --------- ---------
        I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. 
  I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the  cold cream.
         And then the fight started....
           --------- --------- --------- ---------
          My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I
told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
          and then the fight started.....
          ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
         I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It  warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I  haven't been in a long time!" she said.  so I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
           And that's when the fight started....
         ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
         My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were  in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"   
"No," she  answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't
even look  at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd  like  to phone  a friend."
        And that's when the fight started....
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